ChriBobZeus the AstralFire (starofhope) wrote,
ChriBobZeus the AstralFire

There are some questions which, I suppose, are nearly inevitable when you've been together long enough.

"Am I settling?" I suppose has been the one of the last two years for us. I know and knew you love me. But me, I'm damaged goods, or at least I've seen myself that way for the last little while. I'm not making the money I could, I'm not in good health. But I've improved on all aspects a lot - who ever thought I would be exercising the hell out of myself twice a day without someone on my ass? That I could be on track with my writing again? And I was doubting my ability to hold a job and do so competently.

I suppose that now I understand yet another facet to the saying that if you don't love yourself, you can't (properly) love another. When I thought poorly of myself, I worried that I was only taking what's available to me and simply being too lazy to hold out for something better. But that's not true. I'm doing better now, and it's still you that I want.

"Am I settling?" The problem with this question is not the question, but how we interpret it. We commonly read it to mean that the only way to not settle is to be shopping for something better. And it is true, it is striving to improve that makes human civilization what it is. But improvement doesn't just mean changing partners. And it doesn't mean changing who your partner is. Nor does it mean changing who you are. It means changing who 'us' is. Being willing to stand through that.

"Am I settling?" The answer was yes. I was.

I was unhappy with who I am. And when this brief moment of clarity has passed, there will be more times when I am unhappy with who I am. And because of that, I was afraid to rock the boat. Like... I wasn't worthy of even being on the boat to rock it. But you know what?

I am on this fucking boat. And so are you. And we're going to row, row, row ourselves upstream to a pretty little pond. I'm not settling anymore, and you're not going to settle anymore either. We're too good together to just be drifting aimlessly down some little brook. Gotta go straight to the source. Y'see, it really isn't just about getting what you want. And it's not about wanting what you got. It's doing both.

I love you. Some day soon, we're gonna be married. And... I guess we're gonna start a family. That's kind of a scary thought and let's not rush into it too quick. But y'know, maybe I wouldn't be a completely worthless parent. I know you'd make a great one.

I love you. I want to be with you, I want to take care of you, I want to hear you babble incoherently as you drift off asleep (because you hear me do it so often; turnabout is fair play).


(Hey, maybe my username can stop being ironic now. It was never supposed to be. Love you.)
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